Seven things you shouldn’t do on a first date

Life in the dating world is definitely a struggle. Some of us are truly horrible at dating. I am one of those people. I would never even attempt to write an article giving people tips on how to make a date successful because my successes have been so few and far between it would be hardly fair to the reader.

I am however, an expert in what not to do. How do you make your date get a fake emergency phone call? I can tell you. How to make your date think you’re insane? I can tell you. How to make your date awkward? I can tell you.

I wouldn’t say I’ve done it all, or made all of the bad decisions, but I’ve been on enough bad dates that I can tell you what can make them go sideways. First time daters or those of you who were out of the game and are getting back in – these are for you.

Don’t…

…be more than 10 minutes late.

It’s rude. As a rule, I am always one or two minutes late, but that’s mostly because I have a weird aversion to being alone in public. Never arrive more than five minutes late…unless you are going to show up out of breath, covered in sweat and telling a story about how your car broke down, your phone died and you had to run ten blocks to get here.

…dress like you don’t care.

If you really don’t care enough to be showered and put a brush through you’re hair, why are you wasting the other person’s time? It’s first impression time, and yours should not be “Hey, I just escaped a collapsed mine in Chile and didn’t have time to change.”

…ask your divorced date to tell you about their wedding.

This should go without saying, but sometimes it just pops out. For example, if say, you go on a date with a guy who you didn’t know was divorced and he drops it on you randomly in the middle of the conversation…your immediate response may be to ask him to tell you about the wedding. I may or may not know this based on experience…but I can pretty much guarantee his response will be awkward.

…talk about your love for conspiracy theories…

…or things that, if the person didn’t know you well enough, would make them assume you were crazy. You need to position yourself as a rational, reasonable legit person before you go into the five hour rant about why you think the Harry Potter books are based on true events or the rational behind your thinking that Hillary and Bill are leaders of the Illuminati. They know nothing else about you – what are they supposed to think when you are done?

…tell your date all your current problems.

First impressions also apply to dates. I don’t think the first time you meet a person is the appropriate time to tell them about your terrible financial situation, your former break-ups, your small but detrimental criminal record, your recent job loss or the fact that you live in your parents basement. Do you not agree? So why do this on a date. It does happen, and it most likely will not lead to date number 2. I have been on the receiving end of all of these conversations – because for some reason I inadvertently position myself as a therapist when I first meet guys.

…get mad if he asks to split the cheque.

This one is hard, but you don’t know why he is going dutch with you. It may not mean that he is cheap or is having a terrible time (both of which are the immediate things that girls think of when a guy asks to split the bill – FYI gentlemen). It may just be him not knowing if him paying is important or if you even want that. Don’t get into a giant tizzy over this, if the date was good otherwise, don’t kick him to the curb over $20.

 …get wasted.

A majority of people’s poor choices are made under the influence of alcohol. The chances of you breaking all the aforementioned rules increases by 1 million if you are drunk. And let’s be real, you don’t want to accidentally go over your line and throw up on the guy. That would really kill it for date 2.