What’s on the bottle, not in it (Winefest Calgary 2016)

Last weekend was Winefest Calgary. Like most wine festivals, I attend, drink lots of fermented grapes and leave channeling my inner Lindsay Lohan circa 2005. I’m not the only wine lover in the building, that’s why we’re all there, but I am one of few who sees the spittoons – meant for the wine you taste but don’t swallow – as vulgar and wasteful. So I don’t use them…thus, inner-Lindsay.

I generally leave with the memory of a couple good bottles, but not enough for an article, and to be honest – after a while they all taste the same. What I do remember is the labels. Usually the fun ones, the ones that would probably catch my eye in a liquor store if I wanted to try something new.

Be warned, some of the worst wines I have tasted are in bottles that look like a primer for a girls night out or an adventure in the making. This list is about the bottles, not what’s in them…all from Winefest Calgary 2016.

black market secret society wine Beyonce’s Bottle
A pyramid? An eye? Clearly this was a shout out to the Illuminati, and therefore endorsed by Yonce. I told the reps that I knew what their game was and to say hi to Queen Bey for me. Holler.

relax wine bottle rieslingThe Yoga Bottle
Relax. Breath in. And stretch. This looks like something you would take to the gym or a yoga studio…or at the very least, mistakenly throw in your bag with your yoga mat and then instead of hydrating after your 90th failed attempt at crow, you get accidently bombed.

are you afraid of the dark wineThe Ghost Story Bottle
Remember that 90s YTV show “Are you Afraid of the Dark?”, because I do and I spent a good five minutes talking about it with the girl repping this label. Oh to be a kid again.

girly girl wine columbia valley The Bachelorette Partaaay Bottle
Getting the girls together to wear pink, eat a penis cake and wooo until a bridesmaid throws up on the dance floor? This one is for you. Give the final pour to the girl who shows up to the party ready to place fake eye lashes on all the attendees and practice her newly acquired skill of contouring.

ice cat nectar wine bottleThe Cat Lady’s Bottle
Some people are dog people and some people are cat people. People who are cat people like cats and probably this bottle and therefore will purchase this beverage in bulk. I’m assuming that was the thought process around this design. I’m a dog person myself.

stone'd wine canada justin trudeau The Edgy Bottle
This brand and bottle will be very edgy until Justin Trudeau gets his marijuana loving way. They are like, “Stone’d…but not the drugs – the gems!” (But the people’s faces we will put the gems on will looks like they may or may not own a bong!)



Jes spends approximately 25% of her income on brunch, really likes to laugh and is certain if Regina George punched her in the face she would not think it was awesome.

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